Dear First of the Monthers,
Thank you all for coming to eat at Pizza Place. I was really excited to have some business today after the last week or so was more dead than the rat that has been rotting in our air vents. It wasn't until I got a good look at everyone sitting in the dining room that I consciously realized, "Fuck me, it's the first of the month, God damn it!" You're much like my Aunt Flo, you visit monthly, annoy me for a week, give me cramps, then disappear. I loved answering your questions about how much every item on the menu costs. If you could have just bothered yourself by looking at the menu (just like I did when I didn't know the price of some of the items), you would have known the answer. Why do it yourself when you have a servant, er, server I mean, to do it for you, right? I wouldn't want you to strain yourself, precious. You are so great, I didn't mind standing there for 10 minutes answering your questions then waiting on you to decide when you insisted you were ready.
(Me:"I'll give you a few minutes to decide."
Woman:"No,no,no, don't go anywhere. We're ready. Ummmm, hmmmm. Well, I'll have, uhhhhhhh. I've got it. Ohh wait, I didn't even see over here where it says you have sandwiches too. "
Me:"It's not a problem. I'll give you just a couple of minutes and I'll be right back to get your...."
Woman:"No, I've got it. I would like a small pizza with pepperoni."
Me:"Great choice, and what can I get for you, sir?"
Man:"Well, I was wanting pizza, but she got a small one and that's not going to be enough for both of us....uhhhhh, so now I don't know."
Woman:"Well, we can just get a bigger one if that's what you want, honey. I just thought you were going to get spaghetti. What other sizes do you have?"
Me:"We also have medium, large, extra large, and our 30" party pizza."
Woman:"Well, what do you want to do honey? Do you want to get a bigger pizza, or we could keep the small one to share and then get a salad or appetizer or both and share those too."
Man:"I don't know. It's up to you. Just get whatever you want.")
By this time, I'm about to grab a butter knife off of the table and just start sawing at my neck until I hit the carotid. I look around and see that almost every other table in the restaurant is seated with other first of the monthers that need waited on. I was extremely relieved, after some humming and hawing of course, when you finally decided to get a bigger pizza, salad, and an app. At least I could then move on to the next table that was going to be pretty much just like you.
While I was standing there waiting on you to decide, I noticed a few things about you. You're dirty. The both of you. Your hands were black and you had dirt and grease spots all over you like you had been working on vehicles all day. How can that be when you're receiving welfare or social security? (No, I'm not just assuming. I overheard some of their conversation, and they were definitely receiving a government check.) Even your baby was dirty, just not as scroungy as you. Also, there was a definite stench of piss wafting around your table. At first I thought it was the baby's diaper, but then I realized that the smell was far too robust than what a baby would produce. I do believe, sir and madam, that one of you had pissed yourself. There's no excuse for that, unless you're wasted or just laughed a little too hard. How about you take the money from the tip you didn't leave, go to the dollar store, and buy some soap. What really got to me was that you were using the napkin holder on the table as your own personal tissue box. Thanks for trumpeting your nose at the table in front of the, albeit few, decent people who had unknowingly came out for lunch on the first of the month. You all really keep it classy.
By the way, that was a really funny game you played with me when I brought out your salad and apps, and then again when I brought out your pizza. I asked if I could get you anything, and then instead of telling me you wanted 6 extra ranches; more crackers; two extra straws(God knows why); a cup of marinara; four more clean plates (6 total), so that you could each have one for each of the items you ordered; and two more fresh cups of soda, just in case you might need them. You had me make 12 trips. Then you had me do a repeat performance for each of your boxes and to-go cups for the extra sodas you never drank. Even though I asked if you if you were sure you only needed one box and you said, "Uh, yeah, one container for....my....salad.". Thanks for saying that last part slow enough for me to understand. Those are very complicated words. I'm only a servant, after all.
I longed for you after you left. I know, you were in a hurry to get to Wallow-Mart to buy the ridiculously expensive things you can't afford, and will be returning/pawning in two weeks anyway. Lucky for me, I had the explosion of crumbs and snot rags on the table and floor and your unmistakable odor wafting in the air long after you had gone. Just so you know. I pretty much repeated this entire letter with almost every one of the other 28 tables that I waited on today. See you all again tomorrow, and the rest of the week, until Friday when you have ran out of money and are counting out change to me to pay your bill.
Longing for you already,
BoW
No comments:
Post a Comment